I absolutely hate it when you have to side with one friend over the other. Life is so tricky and so is friendship.  I can only hope that despite our differences, anger, stupidity and hurt feeling, we can still remain the great friends we are. I love our little family.

I hate how he still has an effect on me. I can say I don’t care all I want but in the end everything he does and doesn’t do still really upsets me. It’s not romantic feelings that are causing me to feel this way, I just wish he was a better friend to me like I thought he was. Saying you care about someone (as friends) means nothing if you don’t act like it. It’s people like him that make me question the sincerity of other real friends which isn’t fair to them. One step at a time I suppose.

Some people are just not worth the energy. Some people are just not worth the friendship. Sometimes you have to take that big step in order to get peace in your life that you’ve been lacking for some time. Sometimes the word “Goodbye” is the best word you can say. Sometimes……it’s just time.

I think I’m developing a bad cooping method regarding cheaters (all parties involved). I become so infuriated that two mentally capable individuals can’t seem to think things through before acting with their dicks and vaginas. “He’s a fucking asshole and she a fucking bitch” are the first things that pop into my head when I see or hear of cheating taking place. The only difference between me and everyone else who thinks it is that I become so enraged to the point where if I didn’t know how to control myself, I’d probably do some physical damage. I wish I could talk all this out with someone but, I feel like they wouldn’t understand….that and maybe I’m a bit ashamed. And so another day begins.

I was looking at some of the songs I wrote a few months ago. I have to say, they’re not that bad. I mean they’re not great or award winning but still, not bad. I’ve been thinking of maybe taking a poetry class but to be honest, poetry was never my strong subject in high school. I couldn’t understand why they just didn’t say what they meant instead of complicating things by speaking in riddles. Or maybe I should take some kind of writing class for music. I really want to get better at this cause right now, this is the only way I can actually express myself. There’s so much to consider in these next few months and not enough time to do so. Hopefully I can be proactive and get everything I have set in my mind done in time with out me loosing my mind due to stress.

joshsternberg: Brilliance.

Marvelous.

I seriously need to start dating. It’s just hard when there’s absolutely NO one you’re attracted to. Most of the guys I know are pretty cool but as far as any sparks, its just meh. I would love to go out and meet someone if my life didn’t pathetically revolve around school and work. This winter break will be dedicated to Me Time :). Seriously, I live in LA now. You’d think there’d be a sea of guys I’m attracted to but nope. Time to switch it up. Well that’s all for now. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! :)

I seem to have found a really great friendship with this guy that I’ve known for a little over a year. It’s actually pretty fucking surprising. Not that he’s a bad guy or whatever and we’ve always been cool but we just seem kinda closer this year. He’s turning into one of my really good friends which is really nice to have considering all my close friends and best friend are over 200 miles away. He kinda gets me really well, which is surprising as well. All I can say is that I very much enjoy this closer friendship and I hope I continue to have it for many more years to come.

I’m really tired of being trapped doing and feeling the same ol’thing, being in the same ol’situation. Enough is enough! I can’t keep doing this to myself. How else am I suppose to grow and meet new people, experience new things if i keep reverting back to the past every fucking 5 minutes? It’s time for change, and just as the season is about to change so should I. Clearly what’s been going on in my life whether it be people, relationships or situations haven’t been working out for me and my best interest so you know what, fuck it! Fuck it all and fuck all of you who are holding me back. I’m done with this shit. I want more than what I’ve been given and considering I’ve been pretty fucking patient about it, I think I deserve something good in my life. So goodbye to the guy, goodbye to the timidness, goodbye to the overly nice girl. It’s my time to get what I want and I’m not gonna let anyone else (including myself) stop me this time. I just pray to God to help me out on this rocky road (journey, not ice cream).

I wrote a song today. Something I haven’t done is a very long time. I think I have writer’s block because I’m so cut off from my emotions, because I don’t want to deal with or feel everything that I know is going on inside. But today I wrote a song and it was amazing how incredibly easy it was. I heard the music in my head and the words just came flying out. It started with the chorus and then grew into something more. It may not be the best song that anyone has ever written but the fact that I was able to write one make me so incredibly happy. I’m debating whether or not I should start posting them (lyrics only). I’ve never let anyone see my songs, not even my best friends because they’re my words. It’s me, completely bare open and honest (vulnerable) and I’m very good at being vulnerable. But keeping this all to myself sure hasn’t helped any and it’s all going to waste. This is a scary thing for me, even to just consider. Should I or shouldn’t I?